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Shy Bladder: Why Do I Notice EVERYTHING in a Restroom?
If you live with shy bladder syndrome, or paruresis, you may know this experience very well.
You walk into a public restroom and suddenly you notice everything.
Who is standing at which urinal.
Who just walked through the door.
Footsteps behind you.
Someone entering or leaving a stall.
The hand dryer.
Someone washing their hands.
The sound of somebody else’s stream.
Maybe even how the sound of your own stream compares to theirs.
For many people with paruresis, we can become incredibly hypervigilant in a restroom.
I know I did.
Running Air Traffic Control in the Restroom
For more than 50 years, I lived with shy bladder.
At times, it felt like I was basically running air traffic control in the men’s room.
I wasn’t simply walking into a restroom and using it.
My attention could be everywhere.
Who’s here?
Who’s coming in?
Who’s leaving?
Is somebody standing near me?
Can they tell I’m not peeing?
How long have I been standing here?
What are they thinking about me?
That’s exhausting.
And I’ve heard similar experiences from many other people with paruresis.
Comparing Ourselves to Everyone Else
Someone recently described noticing that the other men around him seemed to have much stronger, louder streams, while his own stream was hitting the porcelain and making almost no sound.
Think about how much is happening there.
He isn’t simply peeing.
He’s listening to their streams.
He’s listening to his own.
He’s comparing them.
He’s noticing where his stream is hitting.
And potentially wondering what the other people around him might be noticing.
This is something I think many of us with shy bladder can relate to.
We’re not just trying to pee.
We’re monitoring the entire environment while we’re doing it.
If I’m Noticing Them, They Must Be Noticing Me
Here’s something else I’ve come to recognize.
When we’re intensely aware of everyone around us, it’s very easy to assume everyone else is equally aware of us.
But are they?
The person standing next to us might be thinking about getting back to work.
Or lunch.
Or their phone.
Or their family.
Or absolutely nothing at all about us.
Meanwhile, we might have an entire story going on:
What if they notice I’m not peeing?
Can they hear my stream?
Do they know I’ve been standing here too long?
Are they wondering why I’m using a stall just to pee?
What do they think I’m doing?
And when we’re caught up in those thoughts, they don’t necessarily feel like thoughts.
They can feel like something that’s actually happening.
And our body can respond accordingly.
Same Restroom. Completely Different Experience.
One of the things that became fascinating to me was noticing that the exact same restroom could feel completely different at different times.
Same urinals.
Same doors.
Same hand dryers.
Same noises.
Same possibility of somebody walking in behind me.
Yet my experience could be completely different.
Sometimes all of those things felt incredibly important.
Other times, they barely registered.
The restroom hadn’t changed.
The people around me hadn’t necessarily changed.
But my experience had.
That realization became very important for me.
You Don’t Have to Stop Noticing
I’m not suggesting that the answer is to walk into a restroom and try really hard not to notice anything.
That can easily become one more thing to manage.
Don’t listen to him.
Don’t notice the door.
Don’t think about whether someone is waiting.
Stop paying attention.
Now we’re working even harder.
What became helpful for me was understanding that I didn’t necessarily need to control every thought, sound, person, or circumstance around me.
Thoughts could come and go.
Sounds could come and go.
People could come and go.
I didn’t have to do anything about every thought that appeared.
And over time, I didn’t need to be the unpaid traffic controller for every public restroom I entered.
For me, that has been part of discovering greater freedom from shy bladder.
Watch the Video
In this video, I share more about my own experience with hypervigilance in public restrooms, why we can become so aware of everything happening around us, and something important I came to see:
Just because I’m intensely aware of everyone around me doesn’t mean they’re intensely aware of me.
Want to Learn More?
You can find more of my videos and resources about living with shy bladder syndrome (paruresis) here on my website.
If you’d like to talk with me about your own experience with shy bladder, you’re also welcome to schedule a complimentary conversation.