The Harder I Try, The Harder It Gets
Recently my wife and I were watching “Marry Me”, the new movie starring Owen Wilson and Jennifer Lopez. During one scene, Jennifer Lopez, who played Kat Valdez, was struggling to write a new song. She said “The harder I try, the harder it gets”. I have found this to be true in my life and in the lives of my clients as well.
Trying hard is a paradox. We are taught to try hard in school, try hard in sports, try hard in work. Try hard and you’ll succeed. It sure seems like this is a necessary ingredient for achieving what you want in life. However this is an innocent illusion. I don’t know about you, but when I try hard it usually backfires. For example, when I’m golfing and I try hard I will slice the ball into the woods. Or miss an “easy” putt. We see this at a professional level in sports as well. Trying hard often leads to the opposite outcome that one desires. The same happens at work, when we are trying hard to figure something out. Or trying hard in a relationship to be a better partner. Trying hard often leads to frustration. We THINK that trying hard means that we are doing our best, so that must mean we’ll succeed.
The Answer
What I’ve found to be true is that what works better than trying hard, is to point myself in a direction and be open to insight and wisdom guiding me towards what I want. When we are trying hard it is difficult to “see” beyond our “trying hard” thinking in the moment. “I’m trying hard so why aren’t I coming up with the answer?” Instead, what does work is noticing that I’m trying hard (or too hard) and this act of noticing brings me back to a neutral mindset. When I’m in a neutral mindset I often get the answer I’m searching for.
In closing, if you are stuck in an area of life; don’t try so hard. Release the meaning you’re creating around whatever it is you feel stuck on. See what magic happens when you do this.
