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Shy Bladder: Why Is It Harder to Pee When Someone Is Waiting?
Have you ever been in a restroom trying to pee when you know someone is waiting for you?
Maybe your spouse is waiting outside.
Maybe your friends or coworkers are waiting for you.
Maybe someone is waiting for the stall you’re using.
This was a huge issue for me during the more than 50 years I lived with shy bladder syndrome, or paruresis.
Because suddenly, I wasn’t just trying to pee.
I was trying to pee quickly.
Or at least what seemed quickly in my head.
When 15 Seconds Feels Like Forever
I remember standing at a urinal thinking:
I’ve been standing here forever.
They’re waiting for me.
People must be wondering what I’m doing.
Come on. Just go.
But if I had actually looked at a clock, maybe I’d only been standing there for 15 or 20 seconds.
In my mind, it felt like an eternity.
And once I believed I was taking too long, I created even more pressure for myself.
Now I wasn’t simply trying to pee.
I was trying to pee on a deadline I’d created in my own head.
Nobody Is Timing You
Here’s something I’ve come to realize:
Nobody is timing you.
There are plenty of reasons, completely unrelated to shy bladder, why someone might spend a little longer at a toilet or in a restroom.
Nobody knows what you’re doing.
And frankly, most people probably aren’t thinking about you anyway.
They’re thinking about their own stuff.
Meanwhile, I could have an entire story going on in my head:
They’re wondering where I am.
I’m taking too long.
They’re getting impatient.
They’re going to know something’s wrong.
I have to go now.
The person waiting for me might simply be waiting.
Everything else was what I was adding to the experience.
Own the Toilet
This brings me to something I talk about in workshops and with the people I coach:
Own the toilet.
If you have a misfire, or what I prefer to call a nonjudgmental no-go, you don’t necessarily have to immediately run away from the toilet.
Give yourself permission to stay.
In fact, I often recommend staying there for at least a couple of minutes.
You don’t have to produce urine to justify standing at a urinal.
You don’t have to produce urine to justify being in a stall.
You’re allowed to be there.
And you don’t have to rush away simply because your mind is telling you someone might be waiting.
The “Nonjudgmental” Part Matters
I think the word nonjudgmental is important.
It’s easy to have a misfire and immediately start thinking:
Damn it. I couldn’t go again.
What’s wrong with me?
I should have been able to do this.
And suddenly one experience becomes evidence about ourselves and what’s going to happen the next time we try.
What if instead it’s simply:
Okay. I didn’t go this time.
That’s it.
No judgment.
No story about what it means.
No prediction about the next bathroom.
Maybe you stand there another minute anyway.
Maybe you don’t pee.
That’s okay.
You still own the toilet.
You Have Every Right to Be There
For me, this is about much more than how many minutes I stand at a toilet.
It’s about taking some of the pressure out of the experience.
I don’t have to hurry because my mind tells me I’m taking too long.
I don’t have to know what somebody else is thinking.
I don’t have to force myself to pee.
And I don’t have to turn a no-go into evidence that something has gone wrong.
Sometimes…
I just didn’t pee.
That’s all.
So the next time you experience a nonjudgmental no-go, instead of immediately getting out of there, maybe experiment with giving yourself permission to stay.
Not to force yourself to pee.
Not to try harder.
Just to remind yourself:
I have every right to be here.
Nobody is timing me.
I own the toilet. The toilet doesn’t own me.
Watch the Video
In this video, I share more about my own experience with the pressure of having someone waiting, our distorted sense of time in a restroom, and what I mean when I say, “Own the toilet.”
Want to Learn More?
You can find more of my videos and resources about living with shy bladder syndrome (paruresis) here on my website.
If you’d like to talk with me about your own experience with shy bladder, you’re also welcome to schedule a complimentary conversation.
Educational Notice: The information shared here is for educational and personal development purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, counseling, psychological care, or medical advice. If you have a medical or mental health condition, please seek the guidance of an appropriately licensed healthcare professional.